I really am trying to be a good mom, but I can't be a dad too. Lionel doesn’t see everything I do for him and I fear he is rejecting me more and more. He’s very short tempered lately, and runs away quite frequently. I know his dad is not around anymore, but that’s no reason for him to alienate himself from his only remaining parent. I truly care about him, but he keeps running away from me. I cannot help but wonder if it really is my fault his dad is gone, like Lionel thinks it is. My awful maids are not making it any easier on me either; they go around screaming awful things for all to hear about Lionel’s dad. He heard them the other day and asked me what a kike was. Those women should know not to speak that way with a child in the house, about the child's father no less. I wish Lionel would love me again, and see that I am trying to be a good mom. But he hates me now, and sometimes I do not think there is anyway for him to regain his love for me. I really am trying to be a good mom.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Boo Boo Monologue
I really am trying to be a good mom, but I can't be a dad too. Lionel doesn’t see everything I do for him and I fear he is rejecting me more and more. He’s very short tempered lately, and runs away quite frequently. I know his dad is not around anymore, but that’s no reason for him to alienate himself from his only remaining parent. I truly care about him, but he keeps running away from me. I cannot help but wonder if it really is my fault his dad is gone, like Lionel thinks it is. My awful maids are not making it any easier on me either; they go around screaming awful things for all to hear about Lionel’s dad. He heard them the other day and asked me what a kike was. Those women should know not to speak that way with a child in the house, about the child's father no less. I wish Lionel would love me again, and see that I am trying to be a good mom. But he hates me now, and sometimes I do not think there is anyway for him to regain his love for me. I really am trying to be a good mom.
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Lionel’s monologue:
ReplyDeleteI still think about that day. That uncomfortable day that changed my life forever.
My dinghy was my sacred place, a place I felt comfortable and content. I would stay in my dingy for hours. For the time I was in that boat I wouldn’t think about the fact that I was lonely and neglected. In fact, now that I look back a it, I don’t ever think I realized my parents neglected me. My dad was never home, and I never got to create an actual relationship with him. Nevertheless, I didn’t like the fact that Sandra talked behind his back. I loved my father, and I always thought he loved me too. I didn’t know exactly what Sandra said, but I knew it wasn’t nice. It’s the main reason I ran away that day.
My mother never understood me; she wouldn’t even try to understand me. That’s usually why I would run away. It would take her hours to find me, and sometimes I believed that she wouldn’t even come looking for me. Running away was my way of making my parents notice me. I just wanted them to notice me. It wasn’t too much to ask, was it?
That day down at the dingy was just uncomfortable. It was one of the few days my mom expressed her love for me. I longed for her love and attention, but I didn’t really enjoy it. I knew she was expressing her love but I didn’t know what I felt about the situation. It was just uncomfortable. I remember my body twitching and butterflies flying around in my stomach. My heart was beating really fast as well. A feeling of danger struck me, but I didn’t know why because I was supposed to be safe. I was supposed to feel safe out on my boat. I remember wishing my dad had been there to make me feel safe again.
She wasn’t supposed to come near my boat. It was my boat, my sacred place. My mother ruined it. I let my guard down and she took me away from the boat where I could just be a kid, living in my own imagination. After her “expression of love”, she raced me back home, telling me we would go see my dad, and of course, I won. I may have won, but there were much greater things I lost that day, I just wish I would have realized that sooner.
20 years later, and I still think about that day, wishing I wasn’t so naïve.